Great news everyone! The Constitution Party has announced their nominee for President of the United States of America. After months of speculation we can finally say that former Representative Virgil Goode is the choice of the Constitution Party.
What’s that you say, with a whisper? You’ve never heard of the Constitution Party? Why it’s a third-party, one of the institutions that keeps America’s democracy strong.
I get tired of talking about all the differences between Democrats and Republicans, so I think today I’ll talk about how different the Constitution party is. For one, their standard bearer for 2012 has only been a member of the Constitution Party for a short time now. As a Congressman from Virginia, he began his career as a Democrat, switched to an Independent and then finally made it all the way over to the Republican Party. That’s easy enough to spin though. Truly Independent.
The Constitution Party itself is pretty, um, non-traditional(?). For the party that named itself after a document that has a section about not establishing a national religion, they sure do talk about Jesus a lot! They mention him right in the first sentence of their platform. Actually the first five paragraphs are about religion or the Bible. The stated goal in paragraph three is to “restore American jurisprudence to its Biblical foundations and to limit the federal government to its Constitutional boundaries.” Ah, that’s where they got the name Constitution Party.
You’d think they’d base their stances on the hot topics of the day on the Constitution. But alas, the Constitution says nothing about immigration, abortion or a whole lot of other things. Luckily the Constitution Party figures things out using a mix of the Federalist Papers and the Bible, with a hint of individual liberty. Think of the conservative wing of the Republican Party, but then go even further off to the right. Really far right. Like abolishing Social Security, prohibiting pornography far right. It also seems like they are against Social Security Numbers, which is something I’d never heard of before.
So when you go to vote in November, don’t forget about the Constitution Party. They’re here! They’re real! They don’t appreciate your jokes about them! Get used to it!