The Great Loss of Newt Gingrich

My roommate was watching Fox News today, because he thinks it pisses me off (it does, but I hold in my anger just to spite him), and I heard that Newt Gingrich is going to be suspending his campaign in the upcoming week. Yeah, he’s still going.

Of course, I couldn’t contain my emotions when I heard that. Folks, I’m heartbroken. He was my favorite candidate in the GOP primary, if only because he could be relied on to say something that ripe for satire. And so, to commemorate this loss and to squeeze one more post out of his campaign, I give you my favorite moments from Newt Gingrich’s 2012 campaign for the Republican Presidential Nomination.

3. Drama with the Many Mrs.– At some point in the campaign the inevitable happened. One of Gingrich’s two ex-wives came forward to talk about how much of a jerk he is. Normally this might be dismissed, you know jilted lovers and all that, but he was running for the nomination from the party that prides itself on family values. But Newt has tons of family values! He has three families! Thats so many families! Also, the stuff she was describing was pretty torrid. Affairs, talk of open marriages and of course his divorcing her only a few months after she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Which, actually, depending on how you look at it might be an improvement for the Newter, as he divorced his first wife while she was struggling with Cancer. Depends on where you rank Cancer and MS on your own personal hierarchy of diseases.

2. Poor Kids Should Become Janitors– During one of the debates and in a few interviews, Speaker Gingrich mentioned that he thought it would be a great idea for poor children and teenagers, specifically the Black ones that are unemployed at higher rates, to work in their own schools as janitors. He said this plan would make it so poor young people wouldn’t “have to become a pimp or a prostitute or a drug dealer.” Middle school and high school can be a tough time for kids, especially for the ones who Gingrich believes might be persuaded into taking one of these jobs. Imagine for a second how much harder things would be if you were a janitor in your own school. Kids can be cruel and you can bet your butt these child-janitors would get thrown in a dumpster more than once.

1. Moon Base Gingrich– As you probably remember, Gingrich came under some scrutiny for proposing that the US set the goal of a permanent base on the moon by the end of his second term in office. To be perfectly honest, I’m all for this one. I’m kind of a nut about space and I think we should just be dumping money into NASA. I don’t really care about a border fence and I think fighter jets are as cool as the next guy, but I don’t anticipate a lot of dog-fights with al-Qaeda and friends. So if we are spending money on anything, it should be on space exploration. One thing of note though, my motives (go where no man has gone, discover the secrets of the universe) may differ from Newt Skywalker’s. He published a book in 1984 that proposed space tourism, with the justification that a honeymoon that included weightlessness would be mighty attractive. And I think we all know why.

Newt, you will be missed. Stay close my friend, and please take a job on a cable network. Your giant, constantly talking head would be perfect for it.

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