The Worst Gaffe of 2012

Soon-to-be GOP nominee Mitt Romney (end rhyme) was caught on tape doing the unthinkable. Something so vile, so disastrous, that I doubt his campaign will survive the week.

What did he do? He revealed details on his plans were he elected President. (Gasp!) He said he wouldn’t do it, but here it is.

Before I get into what he actually said, can I just ask how these guys running for office can think anything said in front of a crowd, even a super secret fundraiser crowd, is going to remain secret? Literally everyone in the room has a device in their pocket that can record video and instantly upload it to the Internet. I know you want to believe that these guys are on your team, but everybody wants to get a scoop sometimes.

The highlights of Mitt’s slip:

  • He plans on cutting tax deductions for second home mortgages and state income and property taxes to pay for an across the board 20% tax cut.
  • He wants to frame his campaign around jobs and kids. Real controversial Mittster. Really pushing the envelope with that one.
  • Finally, he wants to make Republicans an attractive choice for Hispanic voters. Knowing Republicans as well as I do, I assume Governor Rom-com will achieve this goal by offering a mix of tax cuts, tax credits and something slightly offensive/ridiculous to minorities.

There you have it folks. The first dip into the minutia of the Romney 2012 platform. Not much to it yet, but I’m sure after a few more big-money fundraisers we’ll get a bit more.

The Embarrassment of the Democratic Party

Nothing makes a Democrat slap his forehead and sigh like the name John Edwards. The guy was their Vice-Presidential candidate and had a chance to head up the ticket in 2008. Thanks a lot Obama. Seriously, thanks for winning that one.

What are Edwards’ sins? How about an extramarital affair while his universally well-liked wife was battling cancer. Take a moment to process that and then get ready because there is more. He tried to cover up the affair and the child produced by it. Today he goes to trial for using $1 million of campaign money to hide the affair.

According to his friends, Edwards is upset that he is being treated worse than other notable political philanderers. That’s right. HE is upset about the way HE is being treated. Sorry John-Boy, but you don’t get to be sad. Right now you should focus on remorseful.

Imagine, for a minute, if this guy had been the Democratic nominee for President in 2008. He would have won the election because George W. Bush and then all of this stuff would have come out. While he was sitting in the Oval Office. With nukes on nukes on nukes at his disposal. Democrats would never be allowed to even stare wistfully at the White House again.

So if you’re one of those people who think I only pick on Republicans, here you go: Democrats are stupid too.

The Sadness of Mr. Santorum’s Exit

 

Please play the above song for the duration of this post. Not only because it describes my emotions over losing Rick Santorum from the Republican primary, but also because it is his favorite song.

I’ll miss you Rick. We’ve had some good times these past few years. Whether you were beating up on Mitt Romney or threatening military action with Iran, you kept us entertained at the very least. Not to mention you put out the most terrifying political ad I’ve ever seen, and not even in a “Wow that guy could be the President, oh my God what is this country coming to” kind of way.

I can only hope we’ll see you again in 2016. Good luck running against some combination of Chris Christie, Paul Ryan, Marco Rubio and whatever random Herman Caines or Michelle Bachmanns decide to show up. And Ron Paul. Gotta bet on him to run again. Yea, it’s going to be hard. No one said it would be easy, Rick. But someone has to stand up to fight porn, and why the heck shouldn’t it be you. Excuse my language, but dang it Rick, you’re a winner. You won Iowa and you won Mississippi and Alabama at the same time. Sure none of that really matters because you didn’t win the nomination, but that’s just a technicality. No one is going to remember that in four years when they google you to remind themselves of who you are.

You had a great run buddy. I can’t wait for next time.

The Potential for Backfire of Mr. Romney’s Campaign Strategy

Now that you’ve finished reading that incredibly long title, I think it’s time we begin discussing the general election. The general Presidential election. The one that comes after the primary.

Now that Mitt Romney has wrapped up the Republican nomination, he is concentrating on attacking President Obama. He’s recently criticized President for being out of touch and spending too much time at Harvard (oh snap!).

HOLD UP. Lets run this back one minute. Romney is calling out Obama for being out of touch. Even though he’s the guy who has an elevator for his cars. And the Harvard thing? Mittens Romulus has not one, not three, but TWO degrees from Harvard. Here’s a video of Al Sharpton exposing this hypocrisy. The reason he keeps referring to Romney as Willard is because that’s Mitt’s real first name and the  name Willard is way less cool than Mitt.

It seems like a risky move to attack someone in areas that you yourself are weak. The smart play here for el Presidente is probably to say something along the lines of, “Is he serious? He’s joking right? It’s the same… We both went… Car elevator.” And here’s a tip to anyone thinking about getting into politics: whenever your strategy can be effectively countered with two questions and three incomplete sentences, you need to rethink your strategy.

The Dual Nature of the Buffett Rule

In the next few weeks, we can expect Democrats to start bringing up a new tax increase called the Buffett Rule. The Buffett Rule has nothing to do with all-you-can-eat taxes, but is actually named after Warren Buffett. Buffett, the richest man in Omaha, Nebraska, once commented that he has a lower tax rate than his secretary, who earns considerably less than him. Thus, the Buffett Rule will raise minimum tax rates on millionaires and two millionaires to 30%.

The money raised from this tax would go towards reducing the deficit, but don’t let that fool you. The Dems are using it to pound Republicans. Most American’s are fine with raising taxes on the rich and Democrats know that. If Republicans stay true to form and reflexively shout “NO!” at anything with the word tax in it, Democrats end up on top. Plus, stirring up some extra hate for the rich can’t hurt considering Mitt Romney is obscenely wealthy.

The polling suggests that a majority of Americans are for this tax, but I can imagine a scenario in which this strategy backfires on the Democrats. 30% seems like a lot to most people. Plus, a tax increase is always a tax increase. Still though, it will be hard for Republicans to defend voting against the Buffett Rule, especially when it plays into the stereotype that they are overly protective of the rich.

The Hilarity of the Federal Register

Ah, baseball season. It’s finally back. As a lifelong Mets fan, I can’t let myself get too excited. Too many poor seasons and stunning collapses. What I can get excited for is that small part of the year when baseball and basketball overlap and I get to play the game Disappointment: Mets vs. Knicks Edition. Right now the Knicks are ahead, only because of the roller coaster ride of win and losing streaks they’ve put me through this year.

As you can imagine, it’s a pretty depressing game. When I need cheering up, I turn to the Federal Register. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Federal Register, it is a daily journal of all the rules and information collections released by the Executive Branch of the government. Most people find it pretty boring. I find it hilarious.

Without context, a lot of the submissions get my imagination running wild. For instance, today the Food and Drug Administration released some information on a meeting of the  Blood Products Advisory Committee. My first thought: “Someone is trying to get approval to sell blood to Vampires. Genius. This is a totally untapped market.” In reality, it probably has to do with regulating drugs that affect the blood. A few departments down, the Forest Service announced a meeting of the National Tree-Marking Paint Committee, which will meet in Flagstaff, Arizona to paint pretty pictures on trees. The Civil Rights Commission is having a meeting on the Sunshine Act, which I assume involves meeting in a clearing to discuss urgent matters of rainbows, puppy dogs and buttercups! Here’s one from the Consumer Product Safety Commission granting exceptions from lead content limits. That doesn’t sound like much fun, but when you click through, the exception is for “children’s ride-on tractors, children’s ride-on cars, and other ride-on toys.” Wait, what? That one isn’t funny at all.

The reason the Executive Branch has to hold all these meetings and make all these rules is because Congress doesn’t want to stir up controversy so they make vague laws and leave it up to the Executive Branch to suss things out. Except for the guy at the top (Da Prezidint), the Executive Branch doesn’t get elected. Now, no one has to take a vote on allowing more lead into children’s toys, leaving everyone either happy or developmentally stunted.

So make sure to check out the Federal Register, and remember, have fun with it!

The Inevitability of Governor Romney’s Nomination

Congratulations Governor Romney! I don’t know if you heard, but you won primaries in Maryland, DC and Wisconsin yesterday!  You hadn’t heard? You thought the primaries were over? Well, thank God you read this blog. That could have been really embarrassing.

For everyone else, Mitt Romney won some more states yesterday. But I’m sorry to inform you, I really, really am, that the Republican Presidential primary is not over yet. Technically.

Before you vomit all over your screen or murder your TV for fear of accidentally catching a glimpse of a debate, I should let you know, this thing is over. Romney’s got it in the bag.

This shouldn’t be a huge surprise if you’d been paying attention (it’s ok if you haven’t, sometimes I wish I hadn’t). I made a bet with a friend in November that Romney would win it all. He picked Newt (HA). Romney’s had the money, the establishment and, perhaps most importantly in a Republican primary, the next-in-line status. And now he’s got an overwhelming lead in delegates and the next states to vote are in the Northeast, Romney’s wheelhouse.

Except Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania could be a problem. That’s where Rick Santorum is from. And he’s leading in the polls. And of all the states left to vote it has the fourth most delegates, so it’s hard to ignore. Oh and that delegate lead Romney has? Turns out he only has about 57% of the delegates he needs to wrap up the nomination. So, the second half just started.

Oh and after that? The general election. That primary election was just a preview election for this next election. Which, yes, will give me a ton of stuff to write about, but who’s going to read it if everyone has been bored to death?